Letting Go

I have really found letting go of the children such a painful experience. Physically and emotionally hard letting them go. knowing at some point (maybe soon) I wont be able to care for them full time any more. I know in  my heart that I have made the right decision for my three children. It still doesn’t feel real. How can this be? I should be looking forward to a great future, I’m 36 and shouldn’t be sorting out my funeral.

I now struggle to have the children all the time without a break, I struggle to ‘parent’ them in the way they need. two days in the week the children will stay with Paul and Becca, except on the Thursday in which one of the children will have 1:1 time with me after school and overnight.
This week I have had Skye 1:1, Skye chose to go out for dinner to her favourite restaurant, she invited her Aunty Kirstie and her cousin Shannon. Where the restaurant is situated it makes us feel like we are on holiday. Sitting by the water, watching the boats moored up in the marina, lovely warm evening. It was such a treat to just have some girly time.

My body is getting weaker, I get worn out quicker, I need much more sleep, my memory is awful, I need help cleaning around the house, gosh reading this I sound like a right lazy thing. In a few weeks time it will be the first anniversary of my terminal diagnosis. I feel very lucky that I have got this far, I wonder how much more quality time I have left. that is a question no one knows the answer to, I am determined to make the most of every day I have left. Even if it means I sleep/rest more.

One thing I really do miss, is girly time with the mums from school/any of my friends. cancer is so isolating and a lonely  place. Its been 3 years now and I fell as if I have missed so much. – Sorry for the moan –

I hope the children remember the things we did together. That all 3 have a close relationship, I hope they talk about the fun times with each other. I would love to be remembered as a mummy that tried her hardest. I hope that the children tell their children about all we did when they were children. I wonder what the children will grow up to be. As long as they are true to themselves and are honourable and true. I don’t mind what they will be.

Next week I am really looking forward to going into my friends jewellery shop and she is teaching me how to make some jewellery for each of the children. I took Skye in there this afternoon. She looked in every cabinet and chose one of the most expensive rings in there. She tried one of them on, Nikki educated Skye about diamonds and what size is acceptable to receive. (it wasn’t a serious chat)

Take a day at a time peeps.

that’s all for now. Thanks for reading


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