Wow, there it is. My Will is now a legal document as has the Guardianship for my children became a legal document this morning (13-04-2016) I can’t thank Paul and Becca enough for offering to love, care and nurture my children into adulthood and beyond. That is truly a selfless and a massive thing to offer. I would like to also thank those of you who have contemplated about finding a way to do what Paul and Becca are. I am sure there have been lots of conversations amongst you who want to but cant for your own family commitments, I thank those of you, with the deepest of thanks.
I would like to thank Lynn, Lynn you are a very special lady to me. We have been through some tough times together, we have had many laughs, lots of tears along the way. This morning was an emotional one. Sorting out my Will with you sat by myside, sorting this out is something that I have been putting off for sometime now. With thanks to you, I did it. I have not wanted to face the reality that this piece of paper will be need to be used at some point, possibly soon.
Today we shared some more tears, tears of all of this “rubbish”, tears of all of this being unfair. Tears of fear whilst I lay in a black bag in a morgue, cold and on my own. I know I will be dead then but its still a horrid thought I have.
The past couple of weeks I’ve felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of thoughts I’ve got in my head. Every single element in my life needs sorting. I am feeling exhausted and yet I forget I am on a good dose of chemotherapy everyday – twice a day in fact, 2 weeks on the drugs and one week off for my body to recover, then back on it again. The drugs seem to be zapping my energy levels a lot. I have recently stopped taking one of my night time painkillers which made me very drowsy, even through to the next day. I am feeling much more alert and less “drugged”. I have started to notice my mouth is changing again from being a healthy and normal mouth to one that is starting to loose the skin in the inside and starting to grow ulcers. I have noticed a tingly feeling in my feet but not noticed anything yet in my hands. All of my insides are starting to change (I’ll spare you the gory stuff).
I had the optitions today for a contact lens check up. He remembered me from last year and commented on how much more hair I have, he asked how my health is now doing. So I explained the progression.
Much to his delight, considering the drugs I’m on, my eyes are coping remarkably well. They are tolerating the contact lenses very well, although the further along the course of treatment of Chemo I am on the worse my eyes get and feel like my eyes are full of sand this then stops me from wearing the lenses and to give my eyes a rest for a day or so.
I suppose the next thing for me to organise is my funeral….
Thank you all so much for all your love and support x